When I was staying with friends the other day, we were lying in the park and, having read the Sunday papers from cover to cover, had turned to Siri for amusement. I already have my favourite exchanges with Siri, namely:
‘Do you like anal, Siri?’
‘This isn’t about me, Charlie, it’s about you.’
Yep, OK, Siri, you’ve got me all figured out.
That Sunday though, we asked the following:
‘Siri, what is love?’
And the reply came back:
‘Do you want me to do a web search for love? Just kidding!’
I could write forever at the moment on my disillusion with using the internet to find love, so it seemed particularly fitting. And then I went back to my favourite erotica novel ever, Kristina Lloyd’s Asking for Trouble, and realised that actually, I find most modern technology less sexy than its mid-90s equivalent.
Asking for Trouble is my go-to porn. I’ve bought it for friends, lent it to people who’ve never returned it, and my copy pretty much lives by or even in my bed most of the time.
Last night, I flicked through it and tried to work out which sex scenes I return to the most. I don’t want to post spoilers here, so I’m not going to tell you what the other possible scenes were, but one of my favourites is right near the beginning, where the two main characters, Beth and Ilya, are sharing their fantasies over the phone.
“‘Imagine I’m there,’ he said. ‘I make you kneel on the floor. I make you bend over, your arms and tits resting on the sofa. Your knees are wide apart and I’m raising your skirt, your cute denim skirt, and folding it over your back. I’m being slow and you’re so hungry and urgent. Your arse is bared and you’re jerking it towards me, begging me to fuck you. I slide my fingers into your hot, wet slit. I’m collecting juices to lubricate your arse-hole, to open you up so I can bugger you hard, really hard.”‘
There’s no way that the above would be as hot as a series of sexts. As someone who dislikes emails within the context of a relationship because they give one person too much opportunity to formulate their own thoughts rationally and then to catch the other unawares, one of the things I love about this (aside from the fact that Beth often seems well out of her depth with Ilya in a way that Kristina’s more recent characters don’t so much) is that it exposes both characters so much, and makes them both vulnerable. It’s so, so horny.
So, yeah, I’m longing for a guy who wants to call me the old-fashioned way and tell me in great detail what he wants to do to me; a guy who’ll leave utter filth on my voicemail if I’m not around. In the meantime, if you fancy your own copy of Asking for Trouble, the Kindle edition is super-cheap at the moment. Seriously, it’ll be the best filth you buy this year.
Disclaimer: Nobody asked me to review Asking for Trouble, I just love, love, *love* it.