Every so often things get incorrectly labelled. ‘Basic sex,’ for instance, which is only basic in the way M&S three-for-a-tenner knickers are basic but also fan-fucking-tastic. Waitrose ‘Essential’ vanilla scented tealights. Michael’s penis in Judy Blume’s Forever, which affectionately goes by the name Ralph…

And the boy. Who is anything but.

We were sat outside a bar the other day, making good progress on our second carafe of wine, when the subject of his nickname came up.

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