Heads, shoulders, knees and jizz

My bedroom ceiling is low, and he’s short. Not ridiculously so – though you wouldn’t know it from the fuss he’s made about it – but short enough that when he stands on my bed and puts a hand in the air, he can touch it. Or brace himself against it – one hand on the plaster, the other jerking his cock.

I’m not into this. But I’m into sex, that’s who I am, so I’m pretending.

Earlier, he tried to get me off with his knee. Literally wedged it between my legs and rubbed it up and down. Apparently, someone let him whip them one and he’s fascinated by the fact I got flogged the week before, but his idea of playing rough? It’s just, well, rough.

I wrote the above in Hyacinth’s session at the weekend. I haven’t written about sex I’ve had for a long time now – thought I was done with it, in fact – but I’ve been thinking about this for a while, because I think it reflects badly on everybody involved.

When he didn’t text for ten days after our first date, despite telling me repeatedly that I gave ‘the best blow job he’d ever had,’ a friend said, ‘He’s intimidated by you, I reckon.’

I don’t really believe in intimidation in this sense – my view on it is very much in line with this – but equally, I can see that I’m not everybody’s cup of tea. I’m loud, outspoken, not particularly elegant or ladylike, and not everyone wants me to blow them in my kitchen within seconds of walking through the door, right?

In truth, I went down on him because *I* was intimidated. He was the first guy I’d been on a date with for a while who I’d actually fancied, and he’d said by text that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, which was, y’know, fine, even if it wasn’t, really. So, we sat through a date where I felt distinctly more interested in him than he was in me, to the point where I was actually surprised when I said, at the end of the evening, ‘If you want to come back with me, you’d be welcome.’

So, I sucked him, and fucked him, and later that evening he came in my mouth, and then he vanished for 10 days, and then he came back, and I fucked him again, and then he texted me, incessantly, for days, telling me how horny he was, but bailed on actually meeting up.

When I called him out on that, it was indeed that I was ‘intimidating,’ he said, and I was furious, with him and with myself. Furious about the cutesy ‘Oh, I’m not intimidating, it’s just a front I put on,’ text I sent in return, rather than telling him the truth, which was that, actually, I went down on him for the same reason and – guess what – I’d never swallowed spunk before him. Furious that because he was relatively attractive and intelligent I’d marked him as ‘out of my league,’ before we’d even said hello, and had used sex to try and lure him in.

Furious that, after all that, I still fucked him one more time.

And furious that, on my lowest days, I still think this is the best it’s going to get.

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Heads, shoulders, knees and jizz

  1. I have a mix of emotions when I read this, namely compassion and empathy, but I’m also a little confused at your anger. Mistakes are the most valuable tool for learning. Without them we can’t learn what NOT to do and as uncomfortable and embarrassing and ass kicking as they may be they’re a part of us. I laugh just thinking “What if I got furious every time I did something I shouldn’t??” Holy shit, I’d be a raging mess! Countless dipshits would earn a place in a memory they don’t deserve. If it’s any relief to you, I focus on the lesson, not my “failing” and try to catch myself from repeating it (with varying degrees of success I might add). You wanted to fuck, your nasty inner voice got the best of you, you lowered your standards. Ok, so next time maybe you’ll have your eye on all those things and they won’t happen. Maybe they will. Regardless, you’re still an extremely high value woman and I just loved getting to meet you and hug you. xx Hy

    • Thanks, lovely – I think this is why I’m such a raging mess – my inner voice says there isn’t better out there, so I should compromise, and then I do end up being really pissed off with myself for putting bad sex above my own self esteem. Your points are valuable though, and I will bear them in mind. It was great to meet you too – hope you had a good trip back xxx

  2. Angry at him not you, a lesson learnt but don’t be harsh on yourself. Last year I ended up with a guy who had four orgasms to my one and guess what I had to stop myself from seeing him again just to see if it would be any better. Worse was he thanked me for a wonderful time, I could have brained him

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