Weirdly, I was going to write a very different post tonight about playing stupid and then someone left a very interesting comment on my post on endings from a couple of days back. And now this is a very different post on endings.

I’ve known for a while now that the boy plays games – I didn’t know from the start but I’ve known for long enough that I should have just walked away already. He doesn’t want monogamy until I do, and then suddenly, just as I threaten to walk away, that card suddenly appears on the table. Which is a surprise, because it turns out that other girls have been dealt the monogamy card too. At the same time.

So knowing all that, I really should call it quits, right? A story: the last guy who hurt me promised we could still be friends. I moved away. He said he’d come and visit. I invited him. No reply. When I next saw him I asked if he ‘d just forgotten to reply. But no, eventually he admitted that his girlfriend wouldn’t let him. Now, that’s fine – but be honest about it. I’d moved to a new city, where I knew no one and I just wanted to fill my weekends. If he’d said no, I’d have freed up the space for something else, but a no reply makes that harder. And, just as you’ll have guessed, we no longer even try to be friends.

The current boy is cleverer. He makes me feel special, then he disappears, then he makes me feel special again. It’s like being on the waltzers, and I hate fairground rides. When he wants to be in my life, his presence can make me almost claustrophobic – he’s joining in my Twitter conversations with people he wants to befriend, texting me, emailing – all stuff that would be perfectly acceptable if it wasn’t followed by huge periods of silence.

And, as I’ve blogged about in other posts there are other upsides too, such as the way he makes me feel about my body. But the result of being on such a constant roller coaster can be devastating, especially for someone like me, whose mental health is fragile at the best of times. Last time I ended it I didn’t sleep all night, then I had a massive panic attack and ended up taking a day off work. That’s still fresh enough to not want to end it again right now.

I don’t really know how to end this post. I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I’m not stupid, and deep down I know he doesn’t care about me. That he’s lying to me. It’s just that sometimes it’s easier to stay than to go, right ? I wish he’d be honest with me , that’s all.