On the four words it’s really hard to hear…

The Internet is filled with thousands and thousands of posts about casual sex, friends with benefits, fuck buddies, sex friends – whatever you want to call them. Most of them, or the ones written by people who aren’t sex bloggers and therefore have a tendency to be somewhat less sex positive than you might hope, take a cautionary line, especially if they’re aimed at women. Have casual sex if you must, with the same person multiple times if you’re *really* *really* sure you can handle that, but essentially, be aware that heartbreak is inevitable.

I’ve been toying with the idea of writing about casual sex for a while – largely with reference to Bryony Gordon’s book The Wrong Knickers where she said that no woman really enjoys casual sex. I haven’t read it in full yet, so that post will have to wait, but I do, as you’ll know if you read this blog regularly, have plenty to say on the subject of friends with benefits.

I’m trying to be a bit more upbeat about my current life choices than I was in the early days of the blog, which in practice means I try and write fewer posts beating myself up for caring about him and berating him for not doing the decent thing and ending things for me. That’s what happens in public, anyway…

But truth be told, no matter how many sex positive blog posts I write, no matter how much I love the bruises, the kissing, the fucking, the having my comfort zone constantly challenged, the reality is that, for me at least, a long term friends with benefits arrangement is emotionally bloody hard work.

I care about him. A lot. Certainly a lot more than I should. And I’m not good at hiding these things, so he knows that, obviously. Largely he knows that because of how often I turn on him and call him a cunt.

If you’d asked me 6 months ago, what I wanted most from the arrangement, I’d have said that, sex aside, honesty was the essential. If I asked him a question, I didn’t want him to lie, I wanted to know the truth, no matter how much it might hurt me.

I stand by that, because I think it’s the right approach to take, the grown up one, certainly. But fuck me, it’s harder in practice. We’ve fallen foul of it a couple of times, but there are four words in particular that kill me:

‘I don’t love you.’

7 thoughts on “On the four words it’s really hard to hear…

  1. Oh you are brilliant. I’ve followed you on Twitter for a while now and just had to comment on this to say how much I admire your honesty. Although my own personal experience of casual sex is very limited thus far (I’m only 19) with no great stories to tell or life changing lessons begrudgingly learned so far, this is just beautifully written. I love your blog, I really do. x

  2. I’ve had a few friends with benefits type arrangements and while they have been fun, there has been some hurt as well. I think it’s hard to find that right match where you just both genuinely like each other as mates who happen to also like to have sex with each other but neither is bothered in the least if the other has sex with anyone else or if it all ends tomorrow. That, I think, is very hard to find!

    I think you are on to the right thing with the honesty……. long story but I am currently alone in a hotel room in Bali after shit went wrong with me and a guy I came out here to visit. I think more honesty and communication on both our parts would have saved a lot of trouble, and maybe our friendship.

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