Sometimes, when the boy has me on my knees in broad daylight, his hands wrapped in my hair, his fly wide open, his cock in my mouth, I think:
Could we do this in reverse?
I don’t see it, somehow. I can’t imagine assuming the authority to force him to kneel in front of me, push my knickers to one side and to lick me until I scream. What would I say?
It’s not that his kink isn’t my kink. His kink is precisely my kink. I just don’t want to share it.
I asked Twitter about why I’m not comfortable with the idea of switching. Is it a body confidence thing?
I expected a resounding ‘No!’
I expected to be told that by equating dominance and submission with confidence and past experiences rather than pure choice, I was at grave risk of sliding into Fifty Shades of Grey territory. You know what I mean: all that fuss about the fact that Christian is only dominant because he has a fucked up past.
But actually, that’s not what people said. One thing that recurred a few times in conversation was that in order to top well you have to believe that you’re powerful and desirable. And that makes sense. I mean, if you don’t buy into that, why should your partner?
A couple of people said too that they worried less about how they looked when they were subbing than when they were dom. I’m not sure what the logic is here – if you’re sub, don’t you want to look good to please your partner? – but then, I was rereading the pegging chapter of Girlonthenet’s book earlier, and she says:
“I’m a reluctant dominant at the best of times, unable to fully embrace the mentality of a gleeful sadist because I’m worrying about how crap my knots are and whether my arse looks fat in this strap-on.”
So it seems that not being able to fully embrace the role is a pretty common problem. And not only that, the quote above brings me to another aspect of dominating guys that terrifies me.
Pegging.
Again, more Girlonthenet, but in a recent post she hit on my exact fear – that the guy wouldn’t like it, and you’d have to deal with the fall out of that. In her story, The disappointed, she owns the situation, but that’s not really my style. If he hated it, I’d hate myself – why bother risking that? The body confidence thing comes into play here too, of course. I read lines like “strapping on a dick and holding a guy’s legs up to his chest while I fuck him” and immediately start to try and figure out the logistics. Strap on how? I can’t tie the strings of my own apron. Hold his legs with which arm? It’s a genuine concern.
So by now we’ve concluded that being dominant really isn’t for me, right?
Well, almost. That was the conclusion I was reaching, and then in a DM, someone said:
I don’t dom per se, but I like to wrestle for control. I’m uncomfortable with assumed power, but if won, easier to own.
It resonated: I guess because it relates to the way I live my life more widely. Ask me to speak in a meeting? Erm, no thanks. Discussion in small groups? Yep, that’s my voice you can hear.
I feel the same about domination. I don’t want to assume the power from the start. I don’t want to wear thigh-high boots, crack a whip, or have you call me ‘Mistress.’ But if you want to fight for control in the bedroom? Now, that is interesting…
Sex blog (of sorts) 
this was a very sexy and probing post, well done!
For me, if I imagine the situation in reverse, me being the Dom…. it just does nothing for me. It is not that I don’t think I could do it, it is that I don’t think I could do it with any conviction because it wouldn’t be turning me on. Pegging falls into the same group, the thought of pegging him, or any man for that matter, leaves me cold… in fact I think I could go so far to say it is a turn off.
That is men though, with a women, things are slightly different for me. I wouldn’t say I was or could be a Dom but I certainly like to be the top in that situation
Mollyxxx
Like Molly, the idea of pegging a man totally turns me off. The idea of switching roles with my Husband or dominating any other man – that makes me giggle. I would not be able to do it, as I am just not a dominant person where sex is concerned. Therefore, I would not be able to dominate a woman either. But, taking control at work and running my department – oh yes, that I can do. I guess we are just all different, and that is good 🙂
Lovely post!
Rebel xox
You had me utterly gripped with the first paragraph, beautifull summing up a situation where I was thinking “Damn, that sounds like so much fun either way around!”
Aw, thanks Charlie!
Pegging or me dominating him are two things that just aren’t going to happen. I’m not comfortable with pegging and would probably end up rocking in a corner if he really wanted me to dominate him. He isn’t comfortable with pegging and wouldn’t want to be dominated. Switching simply isn’t an option and I’m yet to honestly understand those people that can and do do it. Still, I’m trying to learn.
Åsa x
Hey Asa – I agree that learning can only be a good thing, I guess the mIn question for me though is what happens if you end up in a relationship with someone who wants to switch – how do you reach a compromise there?
Sexuality is pretty fluid. We’re different with different people – if a partner makes you want to wrestle for power, wrestle. If he makes you want to live on your knees, do that. There is no one thing that makes a dominant or a submissive, but I do think that people have natural tendencies, (speaking as a dominant) and while there’s nothing wrong with exploring the other side, there is also no pressure to do so.
I agree that there *shouldn’t* be pressure, but if you’re monogamous and the other person wants to try things that don’t turn you on, how do you square that circle? That’s what I’m trying to figure out 🙂
I guess it’s balance for me: I am a dominant person outside the house. I am a manager, I am confident and when you have those minigroups more often than not, I am the appointed “group leader” or spokesman.
But I need balance. Sometimes I don’t want to be in control and I just need to let go. So I do. 😉
Thanks John – makes total sense. Just not sure that it’s for me 🙂
Excellent post!
Wrestling for the power is a very interesting idea. Sometimes I just don’t want to give in too easy, sometimes I want him to work for the control- to take it from me rather than let me just hand it to him. I’ve had some say that a “true submissive” (which is very much like a unicorn) wouldn’t do that. But for me it keeps things interesting..there are just as many times I melt into a puddle at his feet with just a sideways glance in my direction. Go figure.
I love the unicorn analogy here! I agree though, I wouldn’t want to be a true submissive anyway. Fighting him for control tends to make him more dominant and that’s half the fun…
Interesting post and interesting responses. I am switch. I love to switch.
I love to feel the dominant side of me take control and create the situations. I am also sadistic when I dominate which means that I enjoy to inflict pain, to tease and torment, to create suspense in play. I enjoy when a submissive “gives” themselves to me and I respect that they have and that gives me joy and power.
As a submissive, I love to have the control removed from me. To allow myself to just be and to allow my partner to use me, to have me do His will. He has my total trust when I allow Him to take the Top role. I love to have no responsibility, to let go, not to have to worry about anything and let Him do that. Sometimes it is what I need. As a submissive I am also a masochist. I enjoy pain to be inflicted, it ultimately creates the deepest relaxation for me.
I hope that gives you a glimpse into my “Switch” world!!
~Mia~ xx