I’m so bad at putting a stop to things that aren’t good for me. Friendship not working? I’ll be the bitch from hell in the hope you’ll just stop trying to arrange stuff, but I’ll never do the grown-up thing and just have a sensible conversation about why doing stuff together is no fun anymore and maybe we should just stop.

And with boys, it’s worse still. A few years back I had an extremely close bond with someone whose behaviour subsequently began to hurt me quite a lot. I let that carry on for over a year: half-heartedly applying for jobs that would allow me to move away from him, but not able to cut him out of my life while he was still in the vicinity. I was on anti-depressants, in therapy. And so, so unhappy.

The current situation in my life is not dissimilar. Unusually for me, I have tried to draw a line and end it twice, but both times he got back in touch and I got drawn back in to a situation that was great for my confidence at the start, but now just corrodes it. I need a guy who ‘s monogamous, who cares about me beyond when I’m next available to fuck and I’m just too weak to cut him loose and stick with my decision. It not only makes me hate him, it makes me hate myself , too.

I tried to end it again this week – or rather, I didn’t – I asked him to end it. Apparently, he won’t take that responsibility for me. I can see that he shouldn’t have to, sure, but I just don’t trust that if I do find the inner strength to do it that he won’t contact me again – there’s nothing I hate more than that moment when you can feel the misery of having lost someone you care about begin to lift only to have them pop back into your inbox. So I stick with what we have – a situation where the pleasure and the pain are constantly jostling for superiority – and meanwhile I halfheartedly trawl Internet dating sites looking for a reason to break it off for good, but not really wanting to find someone else because I’m convinced that ultimately they’ll just hurt me too.

Sometimes I think I should swear off men for good – that I’d be more emotionally secure if there was nobody in my life. I’ve never been that bothered about getting married, after all – I just want to be a mum one day, and we all know that there are other ways of going about that.

In the meantime, I guess I’ll stick with what I have and keep trying to find the resolve to do what I know I need to. Because sure, loneliness hurts, but so does hating yourself for constantly swimming back out into the rip tide.

2 thoughts on “Endings

  1. He’s being selfish. Let me quote your blog post back to you:

    “I asked him to end it. Apparently, he won’t take that responsibility for me.”

    In doing that, YOU were ending it. You may not have thought so, but in asking him to do it, you were already doing it. His lack of respect extends to ignoring your ending things. Relationships are opt-in. You’ve subconsciously already opted out and it’s HIM hanging on because he doesn’t want his fun turned off.

    Tell him that fine you don’t expect him to assume responsibility for you but you do expect him to be responsible for his own behaviour and to not contact you. If he does, it shows you how little he thinks of what you asked and that may give you the kick you need to think “you know what? Fuck this, I’m not responding.”

    Good luck. It’s a shit situation and god I have been in similar and know how hard it is to step away. So hard. He knows he’s treating you badly. Saying “oh but I’m not monogamous” is only half an excuse:
    1. Sure, he’s been up front so you’ve tacitly agreed to the terms of the liaison (therefore it’s down to you to remove yourself from it while he keeps on dicking about with whoever he likes) BUT
    2. He knows you’re hurting – you’ve asked him to end it ffs. Therefore if he cared about you, he would do what is best for you and help you make the break by doing it for you as requested.

    You don’t need him to end it. Hand courage in your convictions.

  2. Oh sweetie.

    When I say I’ve been there and done that I am in fact referring to the same person and all I can say is cut your losses – you’ll be much happier in the long run.

    Earlier this year we had a brief dalliance, it was short and sweet but when I realised I wanted more I called time on things. Except he then told me that he was willing to give the whole monogamy thing a go despite the distance. And then he disappeared for weeks. And then he came back. Sound familiar?

    He just isn’t a traditional relationship person (which he openly admits from the get-go) but he is seemingly drawn to women who are and find his version of a relationship utterly soul destroying and draining. I know leaving this comment on your blog is guaranteed to wind him up as he’ll want nothing more than to argue his corner. He’ll say I don’t know what I’m talking about and he’s right, I have your side of the story via your blog, nothing more. I promise I’m not interested in a fight and I don’t bear any ill feelings towards him. I simply spotted your posts via a RT and I guess I just don’t know when to leave something well alone. This comes from a good place – I just want to try to help give you the nudge you seem to so desperately need.

    Let him get on with his multiple relationships and partners, he is happy with that arrangement. He doesn’t need ‘fixing’ or the love of a good woman – he didn’t want a monogamous relationship back in the spring and unless a cold lonely winter stirs something I don’t imagine him changing any time soon.

    If what he wants and what you want and need don’t match you will be the only one hurting.

    A little while after I finally gave up on him I met someone. The most amazing someone I’ve ever met. He’s kind, loving, clever, witty, handsome and he wants me and only me. We’re moving in together in the new year and building a future together, one which matches perfectly. I’m incredibly happy and while I’m not saying that you’ll meet your someone by calling things off I remember all too well the agony and the ecstasy of every communication from ‘the boy’ and I don’t miss it one bit.

    I hope you do what is right for you and find the happiness you deserve, with or without him. Onwards and upwards!

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